A Prisoner in All Senses

A starving emotion

the burning need for a safer feeling

an ache

a malnourished idea

of what truth is

and where faith can be found

a barren hope

of gaining hope

and evacuating the terrifying loneliness

a shot in the dark

plays tricks on my nerves

and no one to hold on to

a life sentence in my prison cell

gives me time to reflect 

how love had stripped me bare

though I never even thought I had

let it in

memories

of distant friends

never understood

never breaking through emotional barriers

but wanting

vague memories

of a happy childhood

before wanting

but the wanting overcame all other feelings

the aching hindered me

led me to make risky mistakes

it locked me up

it sent me here

now, I've lost all contact with my senses

I have memories of feelings

vague associations with real emotions

now and then, I touch upon them

but I can't commit myself to any of these

sensations

they are only history

I still want

but the wanting is different, now

I feel so caged

false motives

brought me to this cell

this isn't me, and I know it

letting the lifelessness seep into my mind,

I am a prisoner in all senses of the word

like they always tell me,

I can't escape

I have to earn my way out of here

maybe someday, I'll find out what freedom is

yet another day, and I fall victim to the wanting.

- March 29, 1984, A.D.