Friday

Changing the Love Game, Part 2


Here, will I end whoever I've been for the last 4 months:

Okay, so I reached a new height
and meaning of love
I learned how to be an active force
in a relationship -
but when I tried it on everyone, 
I found it didn't work
some people just don't want you
to offer them your life
that's where I went wrong

I said, "Okay, I'm a pacifist.  I love human beings,
so they should at least respect me in return."
it isn't that easy

I said, "Okay, I'm learning about love, here,
and I've decided that I should try to love everyone
the same way."
no wonder things have failed

I said, "Fuck school.  I've got the whole world
to think about."
but the world is always spinning
meanwhile, I have a future to consider

I can't go on as I have been
it's been pointless
flower-children are too weak,
sensitive people just set themselves up
for the pain,
infatuation is too superficial,
and I'm not old enough to vote this year, anyway

I miss "The Noose", "The Projectile", 
"And the Meek Shall Inherit the Earth"
I miss the happy days of sarcasm
happy sarcasm, not bitter

It's not that I think too much,
because I'll always think too much,
but it's the content of my thoughts;
what garbage lies inside, unattended to?
what can I do to get rid of it?

There are a lot of people I really care about
and I'll do anything I can to make it easier
for them to understand me
they don't need to know the "ultimate ME",
they just need to know who I'm trying to be
they need a clue

I don't want to be "cosmic", "symbolic", and "radical"
I appreciate those terms,
but I don't want people to see me that way

I don't want to be a "mystery" to all mankind
I want to be clear and concise,
I want to have real, touchable dreams
and step away from this stifling cocoon.

if my friends are willing to endure another transition,
I'm willing to become "real" again
and find a new way

love is a drug
and it does have after effects
it's done this to me
but now, I want to be cured.

- Oct. 19, 1984, A.D.

Poetic Bullshit, Part 2


Here,
read this, too, you asshole
I know it's poetic bullshit,
but it's my life

do you understand in the least what
I've been through?
I can't believe you
I can't believe myself for caring so much
about you

no, I'm not the most sensitive idiot in the world
but when it comes to people I really care about
treating me like shit -
that gets to me

"what did I do?" you ask
don't ask
half of these fucking poems are for you,
so don't ask

as long as we're being "just friends"
hell, why not "just acquaintances"?

I wanted a piece of your heart,
which I thought was accessible,
but it's too hard for you

you're giving me a headache beyond belief
and I'm about to just say
fuck it.

- Oct. 5, 1984, A.D.

Thursday

Poetic Bullshit


when did it end?
was it yesterday?
or was it long ago?

what's the point in loving you forever?
or even saying so?
there are many others on that list,
and will be a dozen times more

I love you for the pain you've brought me
it's like no pain I've ever had before
thank you, thank you, thank you
I'd kiss your feet if you'd only let me

and you're such a beautiful person
or is it an illusion?

I don't want to be sarcastic,
but I love you like you'll never love me
why?
if I knew why, then maybe I could stop

poetic bullshit...
wasted lines
wasted life
and 17 years too long...

- Oct. 4, 1984, A.D.

Tuesday

Note to My Has-Been, Would-Be, Might-Be Lovers


My Dear Lover,

It has come to my attention that you and I are not as close as I would prefer.  I make up for this in poetry.  Still, it could be better.  You are where my "work" begins and ends.  [Just don't ever call me "baby"]

I want a relationship with you.  You know it.  Now, I need your help.  You see, I'm going crazy without you.  I am longing for the infinite kiss.  You are Gemini.  You are Aries.  You could be the 13th zodiac, for all I care.  I just want you by my side.  If nothing else, help to cure my poetry!  Help get these unfruitful obsessions out of my mind.  It's insane...


- Oct. 2, 1984, A.D.