Happy Sweet Sixteenth

it's my suicide

all of it

I'm resented for truth

I can't deny,

(whatever I said)

(She's sitting next to me, now)

my fate is sitting next to me

the one I love more than the world

and if she wants to fuck me up

or if she wants to let me fuck her up,

I suppose I'll let her

her pain is mine

(But what's it all worth?)

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say or do

but she's with me

I don't know what she's trying to say or do

(But she's with me)

How much?

How much is she with me?

Or with and against at the same time?

(I look into her eyes - what do I see?)

It's all the same

I guess...

- Nov. 19,1983, A.D.

Behind the Garage (My Spooky Autumn)

I bang my head against the wall,

throw myself from room to room,

scream in the darkness of my life

and grasp for the light

which becomes dimmer as I gaze upon it

It flies away from me, faster than light's speed

and becomes a star

one among millions in a gloomy November sky

Suddenly, I see that my life is parallel to that star

as the lives of my friends are oblique

I look down, and there we are

behind the garage

smoking a clove and holding each other

like we've never been held before

radiating with love

reaching out for assurance

flowing in and flowing out,

but always coming back to the reality of our lives

The pain

that we've given each other

that we've created ourselves

When I look up, my friends are gone

the sky is a dark haze

I am alone with my cigarette and my thoughts

But they are no comfort to me

I scream out, but no one comes running

I cry

but no one is there to wipe tears,

or rid me of frustration

I'm cold -

when did it grow so cold inside me?

Why is there so much pain?

The wind whispers past me

softly, hoping I won't notice it has no answers

There is too much light in the world and not enough enlightenment!

Inside, I am struck with mental arrows

and torn apart,

piece by bloody piece,

devoured by my own frustration and unrest

I lie down on the grass and put out the cigarette

ignore the tears, falling

as though there were a leak in my life

Where is the star that parallels me?

Up there, somewhere, in the haze

I can't see it, but I need it, now

to know it's there

and my life has a purpose

Eventually, I pull myself up,

walk back towards the lifeless house,

up the creaky stairs

and back to my nothing half-thoughts

that keep me from school work

My mind is still behind the garage with the others,

and in the stars -

but I tap off the ashes and live on...

- Nov. 16, 1983, A.D.

The Road

As I walk down the road on this cool Autumn day, I feel like I 

shouldn't be walking alone. And yet there's only one person who 

can take this empty place beside me. But times, like the leaves of 

the season, turning colors and fluttering as tho predestined to the 

ground, do change.

It's a worn path I walk; I know every bump and curve; and it 

can distinguish my soft tread from any of the millions of others 

whose souls have touched this concrete. I do not walk alone.

And the missing person, the one who should be here, never 

leaves my side. She is always with me. If I ever had a hurt or a 

fear in my life, she is my comfort. If I ever needed someone to 

confide in, she is around. I am tragically lost without her, and yet 

I'm never without her. We walk in each other's footsteps, crisscross 

each other's paths, and step synchronized to the same beat of life.  

Now, each footstep I take carries a memory of times past.

But we're still walking the road together. The birds reassure 

me of it. She talks to me thru the crackling of the dry, brown leaves 

under my feet. And she speaks to me thru the whispering wind.

Has it all been said before? by other romantics and poets?  

But it can be said a million times and still be true, can't it?  If it 

comes from the heart? It has so devastated and so moved me that 

I must express. Love is not easily forgotten; friendship not easily 

abandoned; wounds not easily healed. So as I walk down the road 

on this cool Autumn day, she is on my mind. She is here, yet gone 

all the same. My mind races back to the times we once had.  This is 

how I keep her with me. And today, we are as one.

(Nov. 1983)