Slaughterer, Reformed

Sometime, if you want, I'll give you the chance

I'll show you the crime I've committed

I'll show you one of the best friendships ever

slaughtered, by the hands of two amateurs

who let lies form a cloud between them

Sometime, if you want, if you give me the chance

I'll show you, step-by-step, the process

I'll re-enact it so well you'll see the blood on my hands

and feel the wound in your heart

as though you were my victim

Look down!  You, too, will see the blood on your hands

and I'll show you the process of lying

Or sometime, if you ask, if it's what you want

I'll show you the prevention

I'll teach you to fight off the dragon of Falsehood

and help you prevent such nightmares as I've seen

if you ask me, I'll save you from committing a murder

and any blood spilled on you 

will wash clean

- Jan. 13, 1985, A.D.

Quotes from "Illusions", by Richard Bach

You are never given a wish without being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 

---

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 

---

If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats. 

---

The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 

---

Every person, all the events of your life, are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 

---

In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice. 

---

The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 

---

The truth you speak has no past and no future. It is, and that's all it needs to be. 

---

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't. 

Shy Hellos

Yeah, I saw you once, out of the corner of my eye

you passed me -

I smiled -

you walked on by

six months ago, we would have talked all night

you should have stopped me to say hi

Yeah, I saw you at a party the other night

I passed you -

you smiled -

I walked on by

six months ago, we were together all the time

now, I can't look you in the eye

There's nothing we can do, we cannot speak

There is no road to truth, the channels break

There is no lead to light, it seems too late

Only time will judge old friends' and lovers' fate

Now, we've forgotten all the hateful lies

I greeted you -

you smiled -

and then said hi

six months from now, perhaps we'll bring to life

more shy hellos and less goodbyes

- Jan. 9, 1985, A.D.

The Only Gift

I want to give you something

but it's not as easy as just walking

to the store and buying it;

it requires some thought

and some feeling

I don't want to buy a record or a poster

or a book

I want to give you a part of me -

but I can't figure out which part that is

It seems like in all the time we've 

known each other,

there was never really an answer

who am I to you?

who are you to me?

I would like to tell you

but I don't even know

I know nothing but a feeling

I've been attached to you

since the first day I saw you

sometimes, things are revealed about the soul

more accurately when we are silent;

Before you ever spoke,

I was attached

I want to tell you more,

but I cannot place the feeling

what little we know of each other 

means all the world to me

in some strange, indefinable sense of the word,

I do love you

I would explain further,

but I haven't got a clue of how I 

came to this feeling;

Yet I am not wrong,

and it seems that I have always

felt this way.

Like two people in a room who think

they are being spied on,

we never exactly told the truth

I was so sure that something dangerous would happen 

if I revealed myself

now, I can only wonder where time ran off to,

when we could have talked to each other

So today, I am giving you this,

the truth -

or as close as I can come to it

because I don't want you to leave,

thinking something of me which is

entirely untrue

You couldn't have meant more to me

in the time that we had

and under the conditions which existed

And if there is a future for us,

I will try to help make it a good one

Or if we go our separate ways,

please understand that I'll never 

forget you

Not in a million years would I forget you...

- Jan. 9, 1985, A.D.

Not One Of Us, by Peter Gabriel (lyrics)

It's only water
In a stranger's tear
Looks are deceptive
But distinctions are clear
A foreign body
And a foreign mind
Never welcome
In the land of the blind
You may look like we do
Talk like we do
But you know how it is

You're not one of us
Not one of us
No you're not one of us
Not one of us
Not one of us
No you're not one of us

There's safety in numbers
When you learn to divide
How can we be in
If there is no outside
All shades of opinion
Feed an open mind
But your values are twisted
Let us help you unwind
You may look like we do
Talk like we do
-But you know how it is

You're not one of us
Not one of us
No you're not one of us

(1980)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Them Heavy People, by Kate Bush (lyrics)

Rolling the ball, rolling the ball, rolling the ball to me. 
Rolling the ball, rolling the ball, rolling the ball to me. 

They arrived at an inconvenient time. 
I was hiding in a room in my mind. 
They made me look at myself. I saw it well. 
I'd shut the people out of my life. 

So now I take the opportunities: 
Wonderful teachers ready to teach me. 
I must work on my mind. For now I realise: 
Everyone of us has a heaven inside. 

Them heavy people hit me in a soft spot. 
Them heavy people help me. 
Them heavy people hit me in a soft spot. 
Rolling the ball, rolling the ball, rolling the ball to me. 

They open doorways that I thought were shut for good. 
They read me Gurdjieff and Jesu. 
They build up my body, break me emotionally. 
It's nearly killing me, but what a lovely feeling! 

I love the whirling of the dervishes. 
I love the beauty of rare innocence. 
You don't need no crystal ball, 
Don't fall for a magic wand. 
We humans got it all, we perform the miracles. 

Them heavy people hit me in a soft spot. 
Them heavy people help me. 
Them heavy people hit me in a soft spot. 
Rolling the ball, rolling the ball, rolling the ball to me. 
Rolling the ball, rolling the ball, rolling the ball to me. 
Rolling the ball, rolling the ball... 

(1978)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Tracks, by Gary Numan (lyrics)

Where are the tracks?

Where are the lines?

Where are the tracks?

Where is the time?

You were so cold

You were so slow

And we were so old

And we were unsure.

And I want your lines

And I want your time

And I want your face

And you can have mine.

(1979)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Rock N' Roll Suicide, By David Bowie (lyrics)

Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth
You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your cigarette
The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then you forget
Ohhh how how how, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide

You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it
And the clocks waits so patiently on your song
You walk past a cafe but you don't eat when you've lived too long
Oh, no, no, no, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide

Chev brakes are snarling as you stumble across the road
But the day breaks instead so you hurry home
Don't let the sun blast your shadow
Don't let the milk float ride your mind
You're so natural - religiously unkind

Oh no love! you're not alone
You're watching yourself but you're too unfair
You got your head all tangled up but if I could only
make you care
Oh no love! you're not alone
No matter what or who you've been
No matter when or where you've seen
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain
You're not alone 

Just turn on with me and you're not alone 
Let's turn on with me and you're not alone (wonderful)
Gimme your hands cause you're wonderful (wonderful)
Gimme your hands cause you're wonderful (wonderful)
Oh gimme your hands.

(1972)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Crossroads, by Don McLean (lyrics)

I've got nothing on my mind: Nothing to remember, 

Nothing to forget. And I've got nothing to regret, 

But I'm all tied up on the inside, 

No one knows quite what I've got; 

And I know that on the outside 

What I used to be, I'm not anymore. 

You know I've heard about people like me, 

But I never made the connection. 

They walk one road to set them free 

And find they've gone the wrong direction. 

But there's no need for turning back 

`Cause all roads lead to where I stand. 

And I believe I'll walk them all 

No matter what I may have planned. 

Can you remember who I was? Can you still feel it? 

Can you find my pain? Can you heal it? 

Then lay your hands upon me now 

And cast this darkness from my soul. 

You alone can light my way. 

You alone can make me whole once again. 

We've walked both sides of every street 

Through all kinds of windy weather. 

But that was never our defeat 

As long as we could walk together. 

So there's no need for turning back 

`Cause all roads lead to where we stand. 

And I believe we'll walk them all 

No matter what we may have planned.

(1971)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Mad World, by Tears for Fears (lyrics)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow, no tommorow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World 
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

(1983)

Higher Hell, by Echo and the Bunnymen (lyrics)

Smack in the middle of today
Got to learn new words
Merely got to simply say
I think we all misheard


Cracked in the middle of me
Have to find my heart
Smiling equates with happy 
But I know they're miles apart


Just like my lower heaven
You know so well my higher hell


When confronted by 
Continuing the course
Will you open up
Or do I have to force
The words right out
Of your stubborn mouth?
Stunted of course,
Guilty in their growth


Just like my lower heaven
You know so well my higher hell


Crashed through the floor today
I couldn't find my legs
Suppose you live and learn
Learn it again and again


Smack in the middle of today
Got to find new words
Merely got to simply say 
I think we all misheard


Just like my lower heaven
You know so well my higher hell
(When confronted by continuing the course)
(Will you open up or do I have to force)
(The words right out)
(Of your stubborn mouth)
(Stunted of course)
(Guilty in their growth)

(1983)

Ants Invasion, by Adam Ant (lyrics)

10:35 and I hope I've made
the right decision
heart is beating I'm alive
but I don't call this living
rationalise till I'm blue in the face
you cannot lose if you throw the race
I'm still searching for the
ants invasion

10:36 and I hope I've made
the right decision
ninety eight point four's the bore
with twenty twenty vision
you want a thrill so you come and see me
a cheap line in fantasy
but I'm still searching for the
ants invasion

if I'd the courage
I would make my way home
too many antics in the forbidden zone

10:38 and I think I've made
the wrong decision
another lifeless man with a strange incision
I hope that insect doesn't see me
he's not renowned for his courtesy
I'm not searching for the
ants invasion

(1980)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

New Religion, by Duran Duran (lyrics)

I've been now sauntering 
Out and down the path sometime
Come on, it takes me nowhere, which I knew
Faces everywhere pulling grins and signs in things
Telling me not there, man, it's no go
Don't go there boy

I need a reason
(I can't think without one now)
Too much learning got to show
Call it treason
(Maybe catch her, don't know how)
Too many things, too much to know

Bring my timing in, seagulls gather on the wind
Lady screaming, lady leave me out
'Cause sometimes people stare
(Coming down, electric chair)
And steaming crowds they gather and they shout

(Don't know why this evil bothers me)
Take another chance boy, carry the fight, 
You can take him if you're fast
(So why is he trying to follow me?)
Didn't I say if you're holding on 
You'd be laughing at the last
(How many reasons do they need?)
I get along fine with them friends of mine 
But you have to make a choice
(I might just believe this time)
You're singing out of tune but the beat's in time 
And it's us who makes the noise

I'm talking for free, I can't stop myself, 
It's a new religion
I've something to see, I can't help myself, 
It's a new religion

Okay, my reasoning might be clouded by the sun
But someone sees the departmental lie
You know this peacetime (jabbing fist in stabbing knife)
Only get one look before you die

(Don't know why this evil bothers me)
Take another chance boy, carry the fight, 
You can take him if you're fast
(So why is he trying to follow me?)
Didn't I say if you're holding on 
You'd be laughing at the last
(How many reasons do they need?)
I get along fine with them friends of mine 
But you have to make a choice
(I might just believe this time)
You're singing out of tune but the beat's in time
And it's us who makes the noise

I'm talking for free, I can't stop myself, 
It's a new religion
I've something to see, I can't help myself, 
It's a new religion

Gotta take pay the saints 'n sinners 
In regulation hats 'n scarves 'n things
Walking in formation down the lane, 
They carry their cross, make a church bell ring 
Army majors pull a mean cool truth, 
There lying in a swimming pool
Searching for the undeniable truth that 
A man is just a fool

(Don't know why this evil bothers me)
Take another chance boy, carry the fight, 
You can take him if you're fast
(So why is he trying to follow me?)
Didn't I say if you're holding on 
You'd be laughing at the last
(How many reasons do they need?)
I get along fine with them friends of mine 
But you have to make a choice
(I might just believe this time)
You're singing out of tune but the beat's in time 
And it's us who makes the noise

I'm talking for free, I can't stop myself, 
It's a new religion
I've something to see, I can't help myself, 
It's a new religion
[repeat to fade]

(1982)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Nearly Missed, a Sesame Street Song (lyrics)

While lookin' at my feet, at a crack in the sidewalk
An old tin can by the side of the road
I nearly missed a rainbow
I nearly missed a sunset
I nearly missed a shooting star going by

While studying a brand new hole in my sneaker
And finding a quarter and an old bus token
I nearly missed a rainbow
I nearly missed a sunset
I nearly missed a shooting star going by


Looking down at the ground means you know where you're going
No head up in the clouds to lead you astray
But you can't ever have any kind of dream that way

Looking down at the ground means you know where you're going
No head up in the clouds to lead you astray
But you can't ever have any kind of dream that way

While looking at my feet at a crack in the sidewalk
An old tin can by the side of the road
I nearly missed a rainbow
Elmo nearly missed a sunset
I would've missed a shooting star going by

I nearly missed a rainbow
Don't want to miss that sunset
I wouldn't miss a shooting start going by
Passing me by
Passing me by

(1970?)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Factory, by Wall of Voodoo (lyrics)

Now I know I had something to say
But the problem is to say something, uh, you gotta say it
And I still don't remember a thing
Since that funny gas came out of that pipe next to me
I guess they didn't OK it
Now I remember, did I tell ya? Cut my thumb off at the knuckle on a broken band saw
Didn't see the belt buckle of the blade slip
And I remember when the doctor did it up with a stitch
Funny thing, still got a scratch that I can't itch where my thumb was

And I've brought the same piece of chicken in a bag to work everyday 
For the last twenty years or so
And I really don't mind work assembly line, 
Got an intercom blasting the news and the latest on the baseball scores
And come around every Friday when I get a paycheck 
I take the same road home that I come to work on, heck it's a living

And I've got another factory back home
I got a barbeque, pink mustang, fender's chrome
And at nine o' clock I sit there in my chair
And I don't know why I lose my hair

And then I go to
And then I go to
And then I go to sleep

Well I like to know what I'm doing when I do it 
And I do what I'm doing cause I don't know what to do 
When I'm not doing it
Sometimes I remember as a boy my father told me 
I could grow up to be anything
I really wanted to be anything

And everyday at lunch I still look for my lost digit
Still got that funny scratch
So maybe when I find it I can itch it
And I got a little rubber pool in the backyard
For the kids to wade in
And I...I...I....I, I, I

I've got another factory back home
Got a barbeque, pink mustang, fender's chrome
And at nine o' clock I'm in my chair sat down
Just lately when my wife talks back to me, I slap her around

Then I go to
Then I go to
Then I go to sleep

Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh

(1982)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Dance Godammit, by The Sparks (lyrics)

It's the sound
Of today
Played so loud
You're in pain
I feel good
Really great
As I talk
To my feet
Dance Godammit

Dance Godammit

I get scared
When I'm alone
So I don't
Stay alone
I like clubs
I like girls
I like music
And that's it
Dance Godammit
Dance Godammit

I do leaps
I do splits
I do spins
I do dips
Wanna dance?
Do you wanna dance ?

I get scared
When I'm alone
Ah, don't leave me
All alone
Wanna dance
Wanna dance
Wanna dance?
Do you wanna dance?
Dance Godammit
Dance Godammit

(1983)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Born, Never Asked, by Laurie Anderson (lyrics)

It was a large room. 
Full of people. 
All kinds. 
And they had all arrived at the same buidling at more or less the same time. 
And they were all free. 
And they were all asking themselves the same question: 
What is behind that curtain? 
You were born. 
And so you're free. 
So happy birthday.

(1982)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Walking and Falling, by Laurie Anderson (lyrics)

I wanted you. 
And I was looking for you. 
But I couldn't find you. 
I wanted you. 
And I was looking for you all day. 
But I couldn't find you. 
I couldn't find you. 
You're walking. 
And you don't always realize it, but you're always falling. 
With each step you fall forward slightly. 
And then catch yourself from falling. 
Over and over, you're falling. 
And then catching yourself from falling. 
And this is how you can be walking and falling at the same time.

(1982)

(copied into 1985 notebook)

Trouble, by Cat Stevens (lyrics)

Trouble 
Oh trouble set me free 
I have seen your face 
And it's too much too much for me 

Trouble 
Oh trouble can't you see 
You're eating my heart away 
And there's nothing much left of me 

I've drunk your wine 
You have made your world mine 
So won't you be fair 
So won't you be fair 

I don't want no more of you 
So won't you be kind to me 
Just let me go where 
I'll have to go there 

Trouble 
Oh trouble move away 
I have seen your face 
and it's too much for me today 

Trouble 
Oh trouble can't you see 
You have made me a wreck 
Now won't you leave me in my misery 

I've seen your eyes 
and I can see death's disguise 
Hangin' on me 
Hangin' on me 

I'm beat, I'm torn 
Shattered and tossed and worn 
Too shocking to see 
Too shocking to see 

Trouble 
Oh trouble move from me 
I have paid my debt 
Now won't you leave me in my misery 

Trouble 
Oh trouble please be kind 
I don't want no fight 
And I haven't got a lot of time 

(1970)

(copied into 1985 notebook)