Prince Charming #534

"10 days!" I thought,

"I have 10 days to be free from the obsessions."

What a foolish idea

It's day two,

and all I want to do is call him

It's the dreams again

they always remind me of those

that sanity begs me to forget

(at least for a while - please)

Prince Charming #534 appears in the vision

it's the last dream before I wake up

that makes it worse

For hours in bed, I contemplate, I fantasize

I keep hold of that feeling

He knows and will know none of this

unless he's done the same

Is that possible?

No (I guess)

I can't wait to get back

to see him

we'll try the hallway scene once more

I won't care if it works or not

as long as I can see him again

I want to say "this is it"

"this is the one that will work"

with no doubts

and no questions

I want to say that I'm sure

Oh, and I'm so close!                  (ha, ha)

Yes, but I am close

and I've got 8 days to hope that I'm right

8 days. . .

8 days is a lifetime!

One minute at a time, mein Freund. . .

What if I go through weeks more of this uncertainty?

What if I never know?

Is that better than laying everything on the line

to find out?

I'd say I hope the answer comes to me in a dream,

but I'm not sure I could handle another

8 days is the test

I could change my mind

this could be just another infatuation after all

I don't doubt the possibility

but I'm hoping. . .

If I'm right (god, I hope I'm right!)

then what's happening is

magical and wonderful

If I'm wrong, then I'll move on

(god, I hope I'm not wrong)

I swear he's the best one yet

well, the best one available, at least

and that's not bad

It would literally be a dream come true

if it happens right

8 days more to dwell on #534. . .

- March 31, 1985, A.D.

Higher Fucking Hopes

Fuck loving to play the roles of lovers

Fuck dreaming of another side

Fuck wanting the chase

Fuck subtle exchanges

Fuck wanting to run off and hide

Fuck the mysterious ones

Fuck the busy ones

Screw fucking around for the other's sake

Fuck screwing around and saying it's fun

when there's not even love in that case

But say yes to the lover

whose hopes are your own

Say yes to the one

who's got what you need

For my sake, for your sake, for his sake,

for love's sake -

Say yes!

it's what all the world needs

- March 31, 1985, A.D.

Deconstruction

The evening wears on, is still young at midnight; gets old around five.  Reality progresses to the point where it hits her: there is no way she's going to have the book read by eight.  She gives in with a sigh.  At some point during the course of the night, she has decided to drop the course, anyway, and thus, she escapes the reality of failure.  Hmm. . .  That sounds too much like something out of the book she just stopped reading.  But it's the truth.

She's got homework on top of the book, but she's given in to her creative energies.  The caffeine has made her queesy, and to write a report on top of that would make her downright sick.  She would like to avoid throwing up what little she has left in her stomach, right now.  Hence, she contemplates her wardrobe, when to see the movies she's been wanting to see, and what to do with the money she just got from her dad.  It won't go far, she knows.

Delirium increases.  She listens to baroque music and stares at a picture of Carl Sagan.  She nearly screams as she looks out the window.  The sky is getting lighter.

Staring carelessly towards an object on the floor, the young Bohemian contemplates many early-morning aspects of life:  Will she ever get the guy she wants?  and which one does she want?  If she doesn't get him, whose fault will it be?  If she does get him, how long will it last?  and will she cry in the end?  Should she turn off her lights now, or would that make too much noise?  How much work will she get done today, or will she sleep in every class?  How long can the nausea last, and is this what morning sickness feels like?  Questions, questions. . .

Obsessed, now, with looking out the window, she questions her very existence.  This is not a simple task.  That music is so very faint. . .  Is there dust on that poster, or is she just seeing things?  Who invented liquid soap, and why?  How do they get the coating on candy to be so even?  What do her dreams represent?  She has exactly one hour and five minutes left.  The tape rolls to a noisy end, and she is left with herself and the sound of an amazingly large amount of traffic outside.  Somewhere out there is a bird, sounding rather melancholy at this time of day.  She can't help but wonder. . . 

- March 18, 1985, A.D.

You Want Me to Call, but I'm Still Recovering from your Beautiful Gift of Kryptonite

Don't you see?

I had to do it

otherwise, you would have allowed yourself hope

but there's no hope for your dream

I would do almost anything for you

but I will not lie

that's how we got here

and that's how we've got to stay

I don't mean to forget

and you make me guilty with the strength

of your memory

you were not a drop in a bucket

but what, exactly, you were has escaped

from my feelings, now

It was too intense

there was too much pain

there came a point where I had to 

let it all go

and then, no matter how I tried, 

I couldn't bring it back

Don't you see?

everything I do seems beyond my control

I lost you

and I can't get you back

Even today, I would do anything not to hurt you

but there are some actions 

that I have to take

that will hurt

all I can say is I'm sorry

Don't let me bring you down

remember the good times -

hot summer days,

starry, clear nights -

they are some of the best memories I have

In a lot of ways, I'd love to go back to

that ideal history

I'd like to live in a world where people

can be so happy together

where everything is so good

But you see?

I've got no grasp on what is was, really

not any more

you want me to come back

but I don't know what to come back to

you want me to love again

but I don't remember what I was loving

A month later, and I hear you're back with her

you're getting nowhere

you'll never learn

but I can't hold it against you

because you feel there's only one other choice

and I can't provide you with that

So hold on

hold on to the memories

there is no other way

Our love was excellent in its time

but now we must move on. . .

- March 17, 1985, A.D.

Goals (No Jokes - No Lies)

Be the best person possible towards H.

Get P. to feel for me

P. to want to make time for me

See D.

Music

Drums

Poetry

I want to know what love is

Stop listening to the masses

Graduate

Love who I can while I can

Dreams

Don't hurt others

Don't defeat myself before I'm defeated

Source of money

Lose weight

Grow long hair

See G. regularly

Find the answer in P. (high hopes)

There's always tomorrow. . .

(March '85)