We Went Cold

Somewhere inside of him, he went cold

then something inside of me went cold in turn

so much for the Xmas present

so much for the ambiguous lifestyle

so much for the self-hatred

insecurity

and extra appendage

so much...

and all for what?

and all as a cause of what?

lost in a timeless dilemma,

it's done over and over again

it takes a particular type of strength

which I wasn't willing to produce

I need myself

I need my friends

but I don't need this

so I didn't take it

causes -

there are so many causes

why I was cold

why I drew back

why I let him see it and waited for him 

to say it

maybe he's jealous of my relationship with Emerson

or maybe...

or maybe...

there's no answer

there aren't even questions

so why search so hard into emotions?

it's all laid out before our eyes

if I wanted, I could build the bridge back up

but in all honesty, I don't want to

it's winter, now

time to be with myself

time to hibernate, 

alone, with pure thoughts

life is a struggle, but living is easy

and it's time to move on...

- Dec. 2, 1983, A.D.

Happy Sweet Sixteenth

it's my suicide

all of it

I'm resented for truth

I can't deny,

(whatever I said)

(She's sitting next to me, now)

my fate is sitting next to me

the one I love more than the world

and if she wants to fuck me up

or if she wants to let me fuck her up,

I suppose I'll let her

her pain is mine

(But what's it all worth?)

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say or do

but she's with me

I don't know what she's trying to say or do

(But she's with me)

How much?

How much is she with me?

Or with and against at the same time?

(I look into her eyes - what do I see?)

It's all the same

I guess...

- Nov. 19,1983, A.D.

Behind the Garage (My Spooky Autumn)

I bang my head against the wall,

throw myself from room to room,

scream in the darkness of my life

and grasp for the light

which becomes dimmer as I gaze upon it

It flies away from me, faster than light's speed

and becomes a star

one among millions in a gloomy November sky

Suddenly, I see that my life is parallel to that star

as the lives of my friends are oblique

I look down, and there we are

behind the garage

smoking a clove and holding each other

like we've never been held before

radiating with love

reaching out for assurance

flowing in and flowing out,

but always coming back to the reality of our lives

The pain

that we've given each other

that we've created ourselves

When I look up, my friends are gone

the sky is a dark haze

I am alone with my cigarette and my thoughts

But they are no comfort to me

I scream out, but no one comes running

I cry

but no one is there to wipe tears,

or rid me of frustration

I'm cold -

when did it grow so cold inside me?

Why is there so much pain?

The wind whispers past me

softly, hoping I won't notice it has no answers

There is too much light in the world and not enough enlightenment!

Inside, I am struck with mental arrows

and torn apart,

piece by bloody piece,

devoured by my own frustration and unrest

I lie down on the grass and put out the cigarette

ignore the tears, falling

as though there were a leak in my life

Where is the star that parallels me?

Up there, somewhere, in the haze

I can't see it, but I need it, now

to know it's there

and my life has a purpose

Eventually, I pull myself up,

walk back towards the lifeless house,

up the creaky stairs

and back to my nothing half-thoughts

that keep me from school work

My mind is still behind the garage with the others,

and in the stars -

but I tap off the ashes and live on...

- Nov. 16, 1983, A.D.

The Road

As I walk down the road on this cool Autumn day, I feel like I 

shouldn't be walking alone. And yet there's only one person who 

can take this empty place beside me. But times, like the leaves of 

the season, turning colors and fluttering as tho predestined to the 

ground, do change.

It's a worn path I walk; I know every bump and curve; and it 

can distinguish my soft tread from any of the millions of others 

whose souls have touched this concrete. I do not walk alone.

And the missing person, the one who should be here, never 

leaves my side. She is always with me. If I ever had a hurt or a 

fear in my life, she is my comfort. If I ever needed someone to 

confide in, she is around. I am tragically lost without her, and yet 

I'm never without her. We walk in each other's footsteps, crisscross 

each other's paths, and step synchronized to the same beat of life.  

Now, each footstep I take carries a memory of times past.

But we're still walking the road together. The birds reassure 

me of it. She talks to me thru the crackling of the dry, brown leaves 

under my feet. And she speaks to me thru the whispering wind.

Has it all been said before? by other romantics and poets?  

But it can be said a million times and still be true, can't it?  If it 

comes from the heart? It has so devastated and so moved me that 

I must express. Love is not easily forgotten; friendship not easily 

abandoned; wounds not easily healed. So as I walk down the road 

on this cool Autumn day, she is on my mind. She is here, yet gone 

all the same. My mind races back to the times we once had.  This is 

how I keep her with me. And today, we are as one.

(Nov. 1983)

Grandview U.S.A.

My life took a surreal turn when I found myself in Teen Beat magazine the following spring (April 1984 edition):

That's me, upper left:

Grandview U.S.A., Part 2

Playlists for Robin Plan's show at WRBA, 1440 AM

September 1983 Playlist:

"Thanks to the Red Rockers who greeted my listeners last month with free albums, posters, buttons... plenty of handshakes + hospitality for all y'all [me, Carrie, and maybe one or two other girls]. Had an invigorating (!) interview on WRBA, posed insolently with yours truly for above snapshot, then off to Mabels where they rattled the rafters with their rock-n-roll riot. That's RED rockin, remember, + its as good as gold! We still need just a couple thousand more signatures to save my show, friends. If you have any petitions circulating please get them in to BRBA by 11/1. With your help we'll make it, or my name isn't Robin "Wave-a-billy" Plan."

Capsule Concert:

Gang Of 4, Talking Heads, Elvis Costello, Nick Lowe, Ramones, Reggae, Killing Joke, B-52s, Specials, Kinks, Split Enz, Rockabilly, David Bowie, Surf, Lords/Dead Boys, X, Red Rockers, Kate Bush, Iggy Pop, Graham Parker, Bow Wow Wow

September Playlust:

Heavy Rotation:

The Adicts, Alien Sex Fiend, Atila, Aztec Camera, Batcave, Bauhaus, Adrian Belew, Big Country, The Bongos, Rocky Burnette, Ray Campi, Comateens, Elvis Costello, The Cure, Howard Devoto, Einsteins Riceboys, Fleshtones, Gang Of Four, Green On Red, Hunters & Collectors, Jason & The Nashville Scorchers, Jazzateers, Killing Joke, Lords Of The New Church, Los Lobos, Naked Raygun, Nihilistics, Oingo Boingo, Romantics, Safety Last, Shakin Pyramids, Suicidal Tendencies, Translator, The Wallets, The Wedge, X

Recurrents:

Atomic Rooster, Big Daddy, Birdsongs Of The Mesozoic, Black Uhuru, Chrome, Dave Davies, Flesheaters, The Group, Ian Hunter, Juluka, King Sunny Ade, Lex, Maurice & The Cliches, Mutabaruka, Neil & The Shocking Pinks, Graham Parker, Psycho, Pylon, Red Rockers, Riflesport, Pete Shelly, Stocking Heads, Talking Heads, Tom Tom Club, UB40, Violent Femmes, Will Powers

Regular Rotation:

Bad Religion, T Bone, Chameleons, The Dicks, Effigies, Figures On A Beach, Fun Boy 3, Michael Guthrie, Insect Surfers, Killing The Pink, Oil Tasters, Payolas, Jonathan Richman, Roman Holliday, Romans, Skafish, Stray Cats, Third World, Tidal Wave, Joachim Witt

Bubbling Under:

Barnes & Barnes, The Beat, Big Daddy Sun, The Cred, The C.S. Angels, Depeche Mode, Midnight Oil, Propeller Compilation, Peter Schilling, Slickee Boys, Style Council, Jeff Waryan

December 1983 Playlist:

"December was a scream. Thanks to these sciffle pop folkabillies. The Violent Femmes were here, daddy, here for a fabulous gig, and we are looking forward to their return."

January Concert Capsule:

Translator, Stranglers, Tom Tom Club, Flesheaters, Cure, David Johansen, Wall of Voodoo, Siouxsie Sioux, Boomtown Rats, Madness, Teardrop Explodes, Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Nina Hagen, Bauhaus, Rockabilly, SKAFISH, Warren Zevon, Fleshtones, The Jam, Toxic Reasons, Waitresses, Roots Reggae

December Playlust:

Heavy Rotation:

Avengers, Black Uhuru, David Bowie, Burning Spear, Butthole Surfers, China Crisis, CRAMPS, Creatures, DOA, Echo & the Bunnymen, Gene Loves Jezebel, Green on Red, Higsons, ISM, The Jam, Lets Active, Personality Crisis, Pretenders, Proletariat, Roxy Music, Savage Republic, Social Distortion, Sisters of Mercy, Suburbs, 3 O'Clock, Tomek, Tom Waits, What Surf, The Wipers, X, XTC

Regular Rotation:

The Accelerators, Art In The Dark, Black Star Liner, Bobs, Bongos, Bunny Waiter, Code Blue, The Gladiators, Nina Hagen, James Harman, Haysi Fantayzee, I'llBeOnTheFoneToYou, The Itals, Knotty Vision, Leather Nun, Don Morrell & the Meteors, November Group, Parachute Club, The Point, Stutter, Visage, Wednesday Week, Wire Train, Worlds Worst Records, YELLO

Recurrents:

Adam Ant, Adrian Belew, Eric Burden, Bone Men of Barumba, Circle Jerks, Jimmy Cliff, The Cure, Da Pliars, Hardcore Takes Over, Hunters and Collectors, Husker Du, Jazzateers, Leisure Class, Long Ryders, Lords of the New Church, Los Angelinos, Los Lobos, Lounge Lizards, Ray Manzarek, Midnight Oil, Minutemen, Neats, Play Dead, Quando Quango, Romans, Any Scott, Specimen, Spongetones, Trio, UB40, U2, Zerra

Bubbling Under:

Craig Bevan, Nude Ants, The Outnumbered, Pressure, Tao Chemical, Whipping Boy, Mark Z