I bang my head against the wall,
throw myself from room to room,
scream in the darkness of my life
and grasp for the light
which becomes dimmer as I gaze upon it
It flies away from me, faster than light's speed
and becomes a star
one among millions in a gloomy November sky
Suddenly, I see that my life is parallel to that star
as the lives of my friends are oblique
I look down, and there we are
behind the garage
smoking a clove and holding each other
like we've never been held before
radiating with love
reaching out for assurance
flowing in and flowing out,
but always coming back to the reality of our lives
The pain
that we've given each other
that we've created ourselves
When I look up, my friends are gone
the sky is a dark haze
I am alone with my cigarette and my thoughts
But they are no comfort to me
I scream out, but no one comes running
I cry
but no one is there to wipe tears,
or rid me of frustration
I'm cold -
when did it grow so cold inside me?
Why is there so much pain?
The wind whispers past me
softly, hoping I won't notice it has no answers
There is too much light in the world and not enough enlightenment!
Inside, I am struck with mental arrows
and torn apart,
piece by bloody piece,
devoured by my own frustration and unrest
I lie down on the grass and put out the cigarette
ignore the tears, falling
as though there were a leak in my life
Where is the star that parallels me?
Up there, somewhere, in the haze
I can't see it, but I need it, now
to know it's there
and my life has a purpose
Eventually, I pull myself up,
walk back towards the lifeless house,
up the creaky stairs
and back to my nothing half-thoughts
that keep me from school work
My mind is still behind the garage with the others,
and in the stars -
but I tap off the ashes and live on...
- Nov. 16, 1983, A.D.
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