Here, will I end whoever I've been for the last 4 months:
Okay, so I reached a new height
and meaning of love
I learned how to be an active force
in a relationship -
but when I tried it on everyone,
I found it didn't work
some people just don't want you
to offer them your life
that's where I went wrong
I said, "Okay, I'm a pacifist. I love human beings,
so they should at least respect me in return."
it isn't that easy
I said, "Okay, I'm learning about love, here,
and I've decided that I should try to love everyone
the same way."
no wonder things have failed
I said, "Fuck school. I've got the whole world
to think about."
but the world is always spinning
meanwhile, I have a future to consider
I can't go on as I have been
it's been pointless
flower-children are too weak,
sensitive people just set themselves up
for the pain,
infatuation is too superficial,
and I'm not old enough to vote this year, anyway
I miss "The Noose", "The Projectile",
"And the Meek Shall Inherit the Earth"
I miss the happy days of sarcasm
happy sarcasm, not bitter
It's not that I think too much,
because I'll always think too much,
but it's the content of my thoughts;
what garbage lies inside, unattended to?
what can I do to get rid of it?
There are a lot of people I really care about
and I'll do anything I can to make it easier
for them to understand me
they don't need to know the "ultimate ME",
they just need to know who I'm trying to be
they need a clue
I don't want to be "cosmic", "symbolic", and "radical"
I appreciate those terms,
but I don't want people to see me that way
I don't want to be a "mystery" to all mankind
I want to be clear and concise,
I want to have real, touchable dreams
and step away from this stifling cocoon.
if my friends are willing to endure another transition,
I'm willing to become "real" again
and find a new way
love is a drug
and it does have after effects
it's done this to me
but now, I want to be cured.
- Oct. 19, 1984, A.D.
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