She contemplates,
accelerates,
and diminishes.
"Hold on!
Where are you going?"
(She smiles
a sad, knowing smile.
She has always loved him.)
"I can't linger.
I must move on. . ."
"Will you ever return?"
(She turns away. Muddled tears. . .)
/i love him. if i'm gone long enough to remember,
then i will return.
but there's no holding on
and there's no turning back
and i am leaving now/
(She turns to him)
"Perhaps I'll come again.
But don't wait for me."
"Please. . . Don't go."
/don't go! don't go!. . . don't go?/
(She cries to herself.)
/if i stay, i will grow to hate him
if i leave, imagine the good memories!
i am victimized by expectations
NEW LOVERS SHOULD STAY APART AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE
no matter how much i want. . ./
"No, you don't understand, dear.
I'm gone - no more goodbyes.
I'll see you on a new horizon.
I love you, so don't hurt yourself.
Take care.
We'll keep in touch."
(She turns and walks away.
Question marks have spilled out of her brain
and are beginning to clog her nose and throat.)
/why oh why oh why do i put up with this torment?
i only wanted a little taste
i didn't want the heavy load of him accepting me
and appreciating me
and - dare i even think it? - wanting to be near me
AND often
this, i could not take
so who's to blame me?
it's unnatural to be devoted to someone like me
it's idiotic
it's insane
and if the only way to stop it is to hurt him,
why i -
i -
i didn't mean to cause the pain
i know. . .
i could have stuck around and we could have gone through
hell together
and then -
then?
no, i've already been through all of this
it's settled
i've walked away and i have not left any personal belongings
in his house
i am the phosphorescent lamb,
and it's a sunset like the ads for the cigarettes i smoke
- i'm heading towards the Camel horizon. . ./
(She lifts her head up, dries her face,
and waits for the "walk" signal.)
She contemplates,
accelerates,
and diminishes.
- June 25, 1985, A.D.
