The faint rumble of the train lulled me into near catatonia, my eyes wandered off into the middle distance, and all the little voices in my head mumbled, or spoke in fragments. I didn't notice where we were, I payed no attention to the voice of the conductor. I simply trusted - as we all did - that eventually, this train would get me to where I needed to be. And so, as we were stopped at Belmont, I did not hear the words of the conductor until they were repeated a second time.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this train will be running express to Oblivion."
Had I just heard that? My eyes shifted back and forth, as I tried to conceive of this new information in some logical way. I looked up at the faces of the people on the train, and they were all blank. They must not have heard. All of those people were on a train that was headed toward the bowels of oblivion, and they JUST DIDN'T KNOW. I stood to get off the train, but the doors closed. I reached for the emergency release, but by the time I got to it, the train had begun to move again.
"Huh," I said, turning back towards my seat, "Well, what do you know about that?"
I moved to sit down and then stopped myself.
"Wait a minute. I can't just sit here while somebody else controls my destiny. Where the hell is that conductor, anyway?" I stormed off toward the front of the train.
At the end of the next car, I spotted the conductor - a short woman with glasses, whose jacket sleeves reached down to her thumbs - and I approached her.
"What is the meaning of this?" I charged, "This car cannot run express to oblivion! My stop is Morse. I want off at Morse. I want to go home and make a sandwich and read this book that I just got yesterday - I do not have any desire to enter oblivion!"
The conductor stared at me with glazed eyes. I was about to repeat my argument when she cocked her head to the left and put her hand up to her neck.
"Do you ever have one of those kinks in your neck that you can't seem to get rid of, but you keep moving your head around to figure out which way is the most painful?"
"Listen, woman, I don't want to hear about your fucking neck, I want you to stop this damn train and let me off!!"
"Have you been smoking?" She said, still poking at her neck.
"No, I haven't been smoking, I - "
"Have you been littering?" She asked, angrily.
"No, dammit, I - "
"Well, where is your radio player?"
"Lady, you can check my pockets, but I'm telling you - " She leaned over to look into my coat pockets.
"Look," she said, "if this is about gambling, that's no allowed, either. There's this guy who comes on with a newspaper, a red ball and three cups, and if you've seen him - "
"Forget it!" I said, "Just forget it. I'll take this matter to the driver." As I pulled open the door to the next car and slammed it behind me, I heard the voice of the conductor: "Hey, did you pay for this ride?"
"Oh, fuck you," I said, under my breath. I moved forcefully through a small group of people standing by the doors ["Oh, in a hurry to get to oblivion, are we?"], and then I heard the conductor in pursuit. I got as far as the second set of doors, when she yelled out:
"Fares, please!!"
I stopped in my tracks and turned slowly, counter-clockwise. I shot the woman a furious look, and I reached into my pocket, pulled out my CTA pass, and flashed it in her face. She flinched in horror, and I saw the reflection of the hologram burning her eyes. She took two steps back, and looked at me, hurt. I smiled, and turned back towards the front of the train. I pounded on the door of the driver's compartment. A man opened the door.
"I am not allowed to speak to you while the train is moving," he said, with a look of fear.
"Well, then, stop the goddamn train!" I said, trying to contain myself in the small doorway.
Then, the fear in his eyes went away and was replaced by the same glaze as the conductor's.
"I can't stop the train, this train is running express to oblivion. Please step up. There is a 'B' train right behind this one."
"Look, Jack, I am not going to stand for this! Oblivion is much too far away, I am cold and tired, and I want to go home!"
He tried to smile then, but the effort alone seemed to hurt him.
"When we stop at oblivion, you can catch the next train southbound. The trains come every fifteen minutes. . ."
"WILL we be STOPPING at oblivion?" I cried.
"It's thirty-five minutes to the loop," said the man, "I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to speak to passengers while on duty." This was said with an inflection of helplessness, as he closed the small metal door between us.
As I heard the door latch, I looked out towards the tracks, and I noticed that they were slowly fading. The buildings we passed were becoming less and less clear, until at last the whole scene was just a dull, cloudy white, like a winter sky. The train slowed, and came to a stop.
1/12/88
