Small Thrills

It's a necklace I love

or a pair of shoes that I can't wait to wear

or earrings that match each other perfectly

or a great smile on an average day

Don't take anything for granted

It's the way I watched you chew your straw

after lunch every day

or a denim jacket I loved

or an outfit I put together

that you said I looked good in

It's the hug that made me ecstatic through

the mundane hours of schoolday blues

And the look in your eyes

I thought, "Wow! Someone likes me!"

It was you

There's a happiness that just can't be contained

There's a love that's waiting for an open heart

to catch it

There's a passion for life that's just dying

to be shared

It's me!

It's the real me

It could be the perfect bunch of grapes

or an exquisite lettuce and cheese sandwich

or a pencil whose lead lays down every letter

with the same inspiration as the artist's hand

It could be a color that's brilliant and captivating

Or,

It could be you.

- July 26, 1985, A.D.

Steps to knowing a person

Acknowledged Stranger:

see her

realize that you've never seen or noticed her before

notice any unique physical traits

think about that person (ex: what's her name?  how old is she?)

observe things that she does

acknowledge her in the future as someone you've seen before

find out her name

determine why you find that person interesting

develop theories about what she's like

begin to think about her outside of the times that she is around

Beginning of Fusion:

find yourself in the same group of people as she

remark to something she says or does/ she remarks to something you say or do

be introduced

hold a conversation

speak to each other in the future

Become Acquaintances:

refer or speak to her using her name

develop an idea of her personality

see her again in a different situation

after having seen her under a different light, alter your interpretation of her personality to adapt to this new view

listen to others talk about her

apply others' views to your own

"test" those views by studying the person

come to conclusions about the others' views

ask her questions about herself/ she asks questions about you

Become Friends:

care about her

get to know her bad points

learn to accept those bad points

become comfortable meeting and talking to her at social events

become comfortable being alone with her

feel secure speaking to her while she is among her own friends

realize the things you both have in common

be content with your relationship as it stands

Hang Out Together:

go out of your way to call or see her

invite each other places

speak of her to others as a friend

think of her whenever in the mood to do something

begin to discuss deeper subjects with her

offer her your time if she requests it

your image of her is based more and more on what she tells you of herself, not what you see

Good Friends:

one finally deeply confides in the other

conflicts (ex: personality, ideological) arise, but are overcome

one comes to expect certain things of the other

a definite bond becomes evident

you and she are seen together often

any secrets, if known of, begin to be resented

openness becomes necessary for the sustenance of the relationship

you can honestly state your opinion of her to her

you feel comfortable saying almost anything to her

you come to a point where you would feel very empty if you were to ever lose her

perhaps there are some psychic transactions

two almost, but not completely, become one

- May 11, 1985, A.D.

[From 2009:  I just have to comment on this one.  I have no idea why I wrote this, and so it fascinates me.  Was it because I was taking sociology at the time?  Is it just another reminder of my inner obsessive geek?  Is there something I was trying to figure out here, or did I just happen to have a lot of extra time on my hands, that day?  I don't know.  Does it mean anything?]

A Reminder to My Friend the Artistic Genius

Alas, remember this:

No matter how you stand with the common man,

never play God to the mobs.

The temptation is selfism -

Do what you can to stay free from this sin -

Let others in.

If ever you find you don't have the time,

then stop.

We're all that you've got

to hold on to

Fame, fortune, and loving fans mean nothing

if you've lost the key:

Hold on to me.

Lost in the whirlpool, there's no time to decide whatever is best

just follow the tide -

and end up on an island.

It isn't as planned:

The island's unmanned, and you stand there alone -

a long way from home.

You have shunned, stepped on, and denied those who might

rescue you, now.

But how?

You thought you could make the journey alone

Fine!  Now give up the throne.

It isn't for you.

Your time was over as soon as you ignored the truth.

You lost the key:

Please, hold on to me.

There's no justification in the name of the art.

You'll be falling apart

before the year is over.

Don't look for a lover to stay by your side -

She'll be gone with the tide

unless you know what to do:

The key:

Hold on to you.

This isn't a threat, a plea or a promise,

But we are the commas

to shape the lyrics of your life.

Don't give us the knife -

we're not like the others.

We hold the light and the hope of your tomorrow

don't cause us the sorrow

that you've come to ignore.

What's more,

to begin the trip

start the engine of life's bus

with the key:

That's us.

It's a long ride ahead.

Prepare for the worst,

but strive for the best.

Your life is the test.

Don't take advantage of your resources,

then leave them behind.

Hold on to the key:

Make every "I"

"We".

- April 2, 1985, A.D.

A Reminder (to Dave)

psychedelic afternoon

in the daytime breeze

on the gritty beach by the bay

old lovers, old friends

but most of all, you

not enough time to bring back the past

only enough time to bring back memories

and wish

we are the radicals

the future Bohemians

we are the artists

together

someday, we'll make it

we know

midwestern dreams won't hold us in

the dreams we share can take us somewhere

together

I always wondered what would happen

when we split apart

and now I know

we've got the bond that will hold forever

hold on, hold on...

we are the young ones

and the strong ones

we are alive

and someday we're going to travel the road

to our dreams

together

hold on...

- August 11, 1984, A.D.

Apology

Dear Dave,

I'm a horrible, stupid person

and I love you.

- Sharon

- April 27, 1984, A.D.

Tribute to a Candle

memories fall

like rain

down the windowpane

listen to the music

see the pictures

hear the words of past conversations

watch the candle as it burns down the years of my life

every object

holds a memory

every word spoken

reminds me of times past

every dark corner

represents the dark corners in me

listen to the silence

the wind hits the glass windows

this night is timeless

I am a glazed doll

kept alive by the heartbeat

of a previous day

are you there?

yes, you are there

you feel it too

the candle holds us in

and keeps us still in time

you are here

but we don't know where we are

there goes another year before our eyes

and where has it taken us?

farther from each other

further from what we know

how many candles have there been before?

we are still in fluid time

I feel spirits within me 

that are not of this world

you are one of them -

the missing link

so close, yet so far

I look,

not surprised to see you in the candle

are you happy? 

even though it isn't the same?

I usually am

the music soothes me

and helps me forget

a third year goes by

what a time it was, huh?

and when will it ever come again?

in the fourth year comes the pain

of separation

I see many good-byes and

few hellos

hello, friend

we begin the fifth year

what is to come?

and what is to pass?

where will it take us?

more broken dreams, crushed fantasies?

more tears?

yes, more tears

I have a lot of things to comfort me

but they don't make up for you

my heart has a crack down the side

which, every once in a while

makes me skip a beat

another year goes by

and I'm getting more skilled at hurting

another year goes by

and haven't we aged?

now, you've got love

now, I've got poems

and the strength to be alone

memories of a sunny day

warm me inside

memories of a day when the world 

was at my feet

and not down my throat

a day when I could easily tell

what was real

and what was illusion

it was simple!  illusions didn't cast shadows

but I've been deceived again

another year goes by

every day is another drop of wax

down the candle

marking the distance between us, now

I put out the candle

and hope for the best

what else can I do?

and another year goes by

- Jan 11., 1984, A.D.

Happy Sweet Sixteenth

it's my suicide

all of it

I'm resented for truth

I can't deny,

(whatever I said)

(She's sitting next to me, now)

my fate is sitting next to me

the one I love more than the world

and if she wants to fuck me up

or if she wants to let me fuck her up,

I suppose I'll let her

her pain is mine

(But what's it all worth?)

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say or do

but she's with me

I don't know what she's trying to say or do

(But she's with me)

How much?

How much is she with me?

Or with and against at the same time?

(I look into her eyes - what do I see?)

It's all the same

I guess...

- Nov. 19,1983, A.D.

The Road

As I walk down the road on this cool Autumn day, I feel like I 

shouldn't be walking alone. And yet there's only one person who 

can take this empty place beside me. But times, like the leaves of 

the season, turning colors and fluttering as tho predestined to the 

ground, do change.

It's a worn path I walk; I know every bump and curve; and it 

can distinguish my soft tread from any of the millions of others 

whose souls have touched this concrete. I do not walk alone.

And the missing person, the one who should be here, never 

leaves my side. She is always with me. If I ever had a hurt or a 

fear in my life, she is my comfort. If I ever needed someone to 

confide in, she is around. I am tragically lost without her, and yet 

I'm never without her. We walk in each other's footsteps, crisscross 

each other's paths, and step synchronized to the same beat of life.  

Now, each footstep I take carries a memory of times past.

But we're still walking the road together. The birds reassure 

me of it. She talks to me thru the crackling of the dry, brown leaves 

under my feet. And she speaks to me thru the whispering wind.

Has it all been said before? by other romantics and poets?  

But it can be said a million times and still be true, can't it?  If it 

comes from the heart? It has so devastated and so moved me that 

I must express. Love is not easily forgotten; friendship not easily 

abandoned; wounds not easily healed. So as I walk down the road 

on this cool Autumn day, she is on my mind. She is here, yet gone 

all the same. My mind races back to the times we once had.  This is 

how I keep her with me. And today, we are as one.

(Nov. 1983)