The Noose

"I sold my soul to love you"

you say

but I know you sold nothing

you gave me nothing

and held on to me 

like a noose around a dead man's neck

an innocent man

And even now I am not free

you wanted me to rot

you wanted me to hurt 

like you

I could never hurt

when I saw you like a pitiful rodent

trying to bring me down with you

Precisely what I did to you 

was nothing

this, you would never admit

I never knew you

I was aware of the little world you had created

in your mind

I was aware that I was a player on your stage

but unaware that when I walked away,

I would feel the tight grip of your choker-chain,

cutting off my air

forcing me back towards you

you wanted me

in the palm of your sweaty hand

I saw it as a fool's power-trip

now, as a madman's

I don't know what it was,

but you sold your soul to something

long before we met

I never believed that such a pathetic creature as you

could do so much damage

but you have left me barren

They have locked you in your room

but what can they do for me?

my life is barely existence

I have forgotten what reality means

Tonight, I'm getting you out of my closet

and fitting you right

and hanging you straight

the wooden beam in the ceiling should hold

I'll kick away the chair, now

and again fall victim to your grip

but this time, no resistance

and he who will succumb to your destruction

is forever

an innocent man

- April 8, 1984, A.D.

The Mercy Drug

This is no ordinary pain-killer

this'll last me the rest of my life

I feel so brilliant!

I'm doing the best thing I could ever do for 

myself

here,

today,

I've got everything going for me

I am the master of my existence

no more social pulls in all directions

no more faked love affairs

no more anything

it's all in my hands, now

and a glass of water to wash it down

it's like a dream come true

in the last few, hazy moments of my consciousness,

I smile when I think of those who once hurt me

this is no ordinary pain-killer

this is the mercy drug

and it's come to take all of my hurting away

forever...

- March 29, 1984, A.D.

"And the meek shall inherit the earth"

I'm not going to grow up and get a job

I'm going to become a sewer rat

and eat scum

I'll grow hair all over my body

become short

and fat

a long, thin tail and tiny legs

I'll be covered with slime

and crawl along the passageways 

and sneak into your house

to eat your food

and your pet hamsters, fish, cats and dogs

I'll bite off your feet in the middle of the night

you'll have nightmares of me as you bleed to death

I'll chew holes in your ceiling on rainy nights

and in your walls to let the rodents

and cockroaches through

You'll never keep up with me

I'm too quick

your house and household will decay

until I'm better off than you

until you become one of us,

chewing away at the "civilized" world

until you, too, are sewer rats

and the echo of a growing race will

sound throughout the underground

a tunnel for you

is all that you need

and all scum are created equal

- March 19, 1984, A.D.

The Monster Inside

I'm tired,

falling into another daydream,

wanting someone to grab me by the arm

and shake me back to reality

I'm choking on my own blood

walking back and forth through the dark, musty

corridors of my mind

the ceiling drips,

drips

twisting,

falling, 

shaking,

the walls of the corridors breathe with

every step I take

they envelop me

and then release

gripping,

releasing,

pulling me along

every ten feet,

a dim lamp -

but the shadows are stronger

I can only see the outlines

the walls pull me along

The stale air sets heavy in my lungs

it is a thick river

flowing in

and out

I breath and I step in sync with 

the corridors

my footsteps echo

my heartbeat echos

every step is heavier

sinking,

falling,

holding fast to the slimy, 

moss-covered bricks

holding fast to the light of the next lantern

holding fast to the hope of an escape

The darkness weakens me

I fall

and succumb to the grip of the 

serpent-like floor

the bricks become scales,

the hideous skin of the beast,

secreting an acid

that eats my skin

and burns

and dissolves me

until I cannot feel the difference

between myself and the floor

oozing,

unfolding,

I become one with the beast

and I breathe as it breathes

my heart beats as its heart beats

falling,

sinking,

moss-covered and slimy,

I become stone

I am bricks

I am corridors

the dim lights hit my surface

and I am one with the monster...

- Feb. 20, 1984, A.D.