A Prisoner in All Senses

A starving emotion

the burning need for a safer feeling

an ache

a malnourished idea

of what truth is

and where faith can be found

a barren hope

of gaining hope

and evacuating the terrifying loneliness

a shot in the dark

plays tricks on my nerves

and no one to hold on to

a life sentence in my prison cell

gives me time to reflect 

how love had stripped me bare

though I never even thought I had

let it in

memories

of distant friends

never understood

never breaking through emotional barriers

but wanting

vague memories

of a happy childhood

before wanting

but the wanting overcame all other feelings

the aching hindered me

led me to make risky mistakes

it locked me up

it sent me here

now, I've lost all contact with my senses

I have memories of feelings

vague associations with real emotions

now and then, I touch upon them

but I can't commit myself to any of these

sensations

they are only history

I still want

but the wanting is different, now

I feel so caged

false motives

brought me to this cell

this isn't me, and I know it

letting the lifelessness seep into my mind,

I am a prisoner in all senses of the word

like they always tell me,

I can't escape

I have to earn my way out of here

maybe someday, I'll find out what freedom is

yet another day, and I fall victim to the wanting.

- March 29, 1984, A.D.

Tears for Fears, The Hurting (lyrics)

Is it an horrific dream
Am I sinking fast
Could a person be so mean
As to laugh and laugh
On my own
Could you ease my load
Could you see my Pain
Could you please explain
The Hurting

Could you understand a child
When he cries in Pain
Could you give him all he needs
Or do you feel the same
All along
You've been told you're wrong
When you felt it right
And you're left to fight
The Hurting

Get in line with the things you know
Feel the Pain
Feel the sorrow
Touch the hurt and don't let go
Get in line with the things you know
Learn to cry
Like a baby
Then the hurting won't come back

(1983)

The Mercy Drug

This is no ordinary pain-killer

this'll last me the rest of my life

I feel so brilliant!

I'm doing the best thing I could ever do for 

myself

here,

today,

I've got everything going for me

I am the master of my existence

no more social pulls in all directions

no more faked love affairs

no more anything

it's all in my hands, now

and a glass of water to wash it down

it's like a dream come true

in the last few, hazy moments of my consciousness,

I smile when I think of those who once hurt me

this is no ordinary pain-killer

this is the mercy drug

and it's come to take all of my hurting away

forever...

- March 29, 1984, A.D.

The Projectile

my interjection

was a question

of exclamatory rage

as I escaped the projectile

your words were the projectile

moving between my conscious and subconscious minds

they hung in the air of the psyche's realm

and drifted to the floor of my emotion

but never touched ground

until, gaining speed, they became the projectile

the case in point

because you knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt,

what would happen

do I detect a subtle amusement in your eyes?

am I just another fated victim?

you have taken it upon yourself to exterminate

those who still put faith in love

"What the fuck are you trying to do to me?!"

my interjection

I escaped the projectile

but I couldn't escape you

- March 27, 1984, A.D.

The Monster Inside, Part II

There is a monster in my mind

that churns out odd and peculiar thoughts

if I try to chain that monster down,

it changes form

and slips through the handcuffs

yet I speak its name

and it comes bounding to its master

I suppose we both know that I am the

true servant

I fall victim to a thousand misplaced dreams

but they are my life

they keep me moving

I am the monster

I stretch out my hands

to grasp at threads

becoming strings

which lead to ropes and vines

and nets

someday, they'll hold me

and help me climb to the top

today, I fall through

tomorrow, I fall through

but someday, I'll reach the top

the highest peak of my existence

I am a writer -

a "poet", so to speak-

an actress

an entrepreneur

a friend and enemy of the people

a lover of music and conversation

a radical

a rebel

and a saint

and who would bring this person down from 

her endless climb?

and who would blame her?

the strength to climb

is the strength to dream

and the monster in my mind is power unleashed

- March 21, 1984, A.D.

Safe

The people in this school are so boring!

I suppose the people in any school are

but why does it have to be so boxed and packaged?

little multicolored plastic insects

well-placed hair

a touch of color to cover raw features

a touch of similarity to cover the individual

I look like you

you look like me

all is safe

this is, after all, the "ideal" studying climate

scientists have proven

that straight-backed chairs, indirect florescent lights,

and windowless rooms create the best effects

non-offensive white walls that hold us into a 

cold room

if only something interesting would happen!

- March 20, 1984, A.D.

Note to Readers, 1984

Dear reader,

My primary intention in this notebook is to write exactly what comes to mind.  It is also a study on you.  You're free to read it all, but as I've said before, I am not responsible if you are shocked.  If you're a complete stranger, I have a lot of sympathy for you.  After a handshake and a congenial conversation, surely you wouldn't expect this.

Well, don't freak out.  Contrary to many personalities, what you see and talk to in person is the real me.  When I write, I usually write fiction.  I experiment.  I want to reach all people and don't want to be known for just one style.

And then there are the diary-like entries, where I actually have serious topics of discussion.  But there's always a little sarcasm involved.  You just have to know where to look for it.

Anyway, you've come this far.  You must continue.  I hope you find something of use in here.  Well, good luck one and all!

Love, Sharon

- March 19, 1984, A.D.