BASIC Programming for Killing Monsters

In My Defense

I wish someone would listen to me.  Not only do I accept my Christian friends, but I have to.  Who would I have without them?  But you don't have to accept me.  You know you're right, and you'll put me on the defensive every time.  I don't want to argue because it's such a personal decision.  And yet you tell me I'm wrong, after all the years I've put into my beliefs.

There is no happy little island I can go to to be with my peers.  There is only the pain of having one person after another tell me I'm misguided.  You are so oppressive.

I hate you for doing this to me.  You make me feel like shit for one of the best decisions of my life.  What right do you have to tell me I'm wrong?  Do you think you're the first one to fill me in on my "mistake"?  I sometimes wonder how many people look at me in the halls and classify me "Atheist".  I wonder how many good relationships have been shot down because I'm so "unwilling" to see the light.

I feel as firmly about my beliefs as you do about yours.  But would I ever even begin to tell you you're wrong?  Of course not.  Take a chance to step inside a foreign country with foreign beliefs sometime, and feel how much of a stranger you are.  Then, try to tell them they're wrong.  The whole world is not Christian yet.

You all walk around, saying, "I love God more than the next guy."  Well, I've seen the next guy.  And the guy after that.  And when faced with someone like me, you all seem to reaffirm your beliefs strongly.

You have implied again and again that I am religiously intolerant.  You tell me I shouldn't complain if they push me to my knees to pray.  You hate me if I try to even pretend I'm right.  Or you pray for me because you think I've got it bad.  Well, I haven't got it bad - in fact, I'm stronger than I've ever been - and it isn't thanks to you.

You're more blind than I am, because you'll never see my point of view.  You'll always have a community to live in where you can be respected and included.  Me?  I'll have the same community - yours.  I'll get whatever you let me have.  Do you think I like that?  Do you think I want to live a life of this oppression?

(Nov. '84)

Thoughts Over a Donut and a Cuppa Joe Before Dawn

A cold, foggy morning.  I can barely see the road as I drive in the early darkness.

There is a bright light of civilization ahead.  As I enter the place, three or four weary, working-class faces look my way.  I feel odd and out of place.  There are many "regulars" who come here.  I'm not "regular" at all.

Confusion and self-doubt.  My thought processes always end in circumlocution.  Before 6:00 a.m., no one should be thinking about religion.  I have just heard the greatest speech about God, but I can't believe it.  I want to, or rather, I think I want to, but I really can't.  What he says seems so damned reasonable- well, some of it - I just can't stand to see him hurting because I've rejected his "truth".

As it grows lighter, more sagging-eyed people enter.  My mind is as fogged as the outdoors.  I can't see an end to my doubts.  I wonder if it matters at all.  I close my eyes for thirty seconds, and the misty sky has already turned a paler shade of blue.  Perhaps the sun will actually rise, today.  Perhaps there is a light to turn to...

(Nov. '84)

Changing the Love Game, Part 2

Here, will I end whoever I've been for the last 4 months:

Okay, so I reached a new height

and meaning of love

I learned how to be an active force

in a relationship -

but when I tried it on everyone, 

I found it didn't work

some people just don't want you

to offer them your life

that's where I went wrong

I said, "Okay, I'm a pacifist.  I love human beings,

so they should at least respect me in return."

it isn't that easy

I said, "Okay, I'm learning about love, here,

and I've decided that I should try to love everyone

the same way."

no wonder things have failed

I said, "Fuck school.  I've got the whole world

to think about."

but the world is always spinning

meanwhile, I have a future to consider

I can't go on as I have been

it's been pointless

flower-children are too weak,

sensitive people just set themselves up

for the pain,

infatuation is too superficial,

and I'm not old enough to vote this year, anyway

I miss "The Noose", "The Projectile", 

"And the Meek Shall Inherit the Earth"

I miss the happy days of sarcasm

happy sarcasm, not bitter

It's not that I think too much,

because I'll always think too much,

but it's the content of my thoughts;

what garbage lies inside, unattended to?

what can I do to get rid of it?

There are a lot of people I really care about

and I'll do anything I can to make it easier

for them to understand me

they don't need to know the "ultimate ME",

they just need to know who I'm trying to be

they need a clue

I don't want to be "cosmic", "symbolic", and "radical"

I appreciate those terms,

but I don't want people to see me that way

I don't want to be a "mystery" to all mankind

I want to be clear and concise,

I want to have real, touchable dreams

and step away from this stifling cocoon.

if my friends are willing to endure another transition,

I'm willing to become "real" again

and find a new way

love is a drug

and it does have after effects

it's done this to me

but now, I want to be cured.

- Oct. 19, 1984, A.D.

Poetic Bullshit, Part 2

Here,

read this, too, you asshole

I know it's poetic bullshit,

but it's my life

do you understand in the least what

I've been through?

I can't believe you

I can't believe myself for caring so much

about you

no, I'm not the most sensitive idiot in the world

but when it comes to people I really care about

treating me like shit -

that gets to me

"what did I do?" you ask

don't ask

half of these fucking poems are for you,

so don't ask

as long as we're being "just friends"

hell, why not "just acquaintances"?

I wanted a piece of your heart,

which I thought was accessible,

but it's too hard for you

you're giving me a headache beyond belief

and I'm about to just say

fuck it.

- Oct. 5, 1984, A.D.

Poetic Bullshit

when did it end?

was it yesterday?

or was it long ago?

what's the point in loving you forever?

or even saying so?

there are many others on that list,

and will be a dozen times more

I love you for the pain you've brought me

it's like no pain I've ever had before

thank you, thank you, thank you

I'd kiss your feet if you'd only let me

and you're such a beautiful person

or is it an illusion?

I don't want to be sarcastic,

but I love you like you'll never love me

why?

if I knew why, then maybe I could stop

poetic bullshit...

wasted lines

wasted life

and 17 years too long...

- Oct. 4, 1984, A.D.

Note to My Has-Been, Would-Be, Might-Be Lovers

My Dear Lover,

It has come to my attention that you and I are not as close as I would prefer.  I make up for this in poetry.  Still, it could be better.  You are where my "work" begins and ends.  [Just don't ever call me "baby"]

I want a relationship with you.  You know it.  Now, I need your help.  You see, I'm going crazy without you.  I am longing for the infinite kiss.  You are Gemini.  You are Aries.  You could be the 13th zodiac, for all I care.  I just want you by my side.  If nothing else, help to cure my poetry!  Help get these unfruitful obsessions out of my mind.  It's insane...

- Oct. 2, 1984, A.D.