It Still Holds

Another empty day

another lifeless existence

what's one more tear to a face that's seen floods?

what's one more wound to a bleeding, dying soldier?

There is a break in the glass

where the cold air invites itself in

I wait for the blast of wind that'll shatter 

the window

sitting, waiting, 

each blow is stronger

waiting, waiting,

it still holds

that's the worst part

it won't be over with

it still holds

ragged shoes tread

the wet, musty floor

where the rain - the tears - have fallen

too worn to care

what's one more drop of water 

when it's already ruined?

I stand in front of the window

watching, waiting

expecting the next wind to send glass slivers 

into my face and eyes

but it still holds

Out the window, I see a world I once knew,

I once understood

Now, I'm confined to the inner chambers of 

this prison

watching, waiting

living for giving in --

to what?

I don't know, something

I'm looking out the window to another life

waiting, watching 

for the storm to come

what's one more death to a mortal world?

- April 16, 1984, A.D.

Reunited

I stepped out to see the moon tonight

and it stepped out to see me

it had been such

a long, cold winter

but the moon still took audience with me

nothing had changed

I've been listening to the awkward, beautiful tunes

of Autumn, again

I have not lost love

When I stepped out tonight, I knew that the moon had not 

deceived me

not in all this time

no one had deceived me

but myself

all that is over, now

yet, it all flows into one

into me

the moon is but a reflection of myself

and in it,

I am never deceived

I have not lost love...

- April 16, 1984, A.D.

The Noose

"I sold my soul to love you"

you say

but I know you sold nothing

you gave me nothing

and held on to me 

like a noose around a dead man's neck

an innocent man

And even now I am not free

you wanted me to rot

you wanted me to hurt 

like you

I could never hurt

when I saw you like a pitiful rodent

trying to bring me down with you

Precisely what I did to you 

was nothing

this, you would never admit

I never knew you

I was aware of the little world you had created

in your mind

I was aware that I was a player on your stage

but unaware that when I walked away,

I would feel the tight grip of your choker-chain,

cutting off my air

forcing me back towards you

you wanted me

in the palm of your sweaty hand

I saw it as a fool's power-trip

now, as a madman's

I don't know what it was,

but you sold your soul to something

long before we met

I never believed that such a pathetic creature as you

could do so much damage

but you have left me barren

They have locked you in your room

but what can they do for me?

my life is barely existence

I have forgotten what reality means

Tonight, I'm getting you out of my closet

and fitting you right

and hanging you straight

the wooden beam in the ceiling should hold

I'll kick away the chair, now

and again fall victim to your grip

but this time, no resistance

and he who will succumb to your destruction

is forever

an innocent man

- April 8, 1984, A.D.

A Prisoner in All Senses

A starving emotion

the burning need for a safer feeling

an ache

a malnourished idea

of what truth is

and where faith can be found

a barren hope

of gaining hope

and evacuating the terrifying loneliness

a shot in the dark

plays tricks on my nerves

and no one to hold on to

a life sentence in my prison cell

gives me time to reflect 

how love had stripped me bare

though I never even thought I had

let it in

memories

of distant friends

never understood

never breaking through emotional barriers

but wanting

vague memories

of a happy childhood

before wanting

but the wanting overcame all other feelings

the aching hindered me

led me to make risky mistakes

it locked me up

it sent me here

now, I've lost all contact with my senses

I have memories of feelings

vague associations with real emotions

now and then, I touch upon them

but I can't commit myself to any of these

sensations

they are only history

I still want

but the wanting is different, now

I feel so caged

false motives

brought me to this cell

this isn't me, and I know it

letting the lifelessness seep into my mind,

I am a prisoner in all senses of the word

like they always tell me,

I can't escape

I have to earn my way out of here

maybe someday, I'll find out what freedom is

yet another day, and I fall victim to the wanting.

- March 29, 1984, A.D.

Tears for Fears, The Hurting (lyrics)

Is it an horrific dream
Am I sinking fast
Could a person be so mean
As to laugh and laugh
On my own
Could you ease my load
Could you see my Pain
Could you please explain
The Hurting

Could you understand a child
When he cries in Pain
Could you give him all he needs
Or do you feel the same
All along
You've been told you're wrong
When you felt it right
And you're left to fight
The Hurting

Get in line with the things you know
Feel the Pain
Feel the sorrow
Touch the hurt and don't let go
Get in line with the things you know
Learn to cry
Like a baby
Then the hurting won't come back

(1983)

The Mercy Drug

This is no ordinary pain-killer

this'll last me the rest of my life

I feel so brilliant!

I'm doing the best thing I could ever do for 

myself

here,

today,

I've got everything going for me

I am the master of my existence

no more social pulls in all directions

no more faked love affairs

no more anything

it's all in my hands, now

and a glass of water to wash it down

it's like a dream come true

in the last few, hazy moments of my consciousness,

I smile when I think of those who once hurt me

this is no ordinary pain-killer

this is the mercy drug

and it's come to take all of my hurting away

forever...

- March 29, 1984, A.D.

The Projectile

my interjection

was a question

of exclamatory rage

as I escaped the projectile

your words were the projectile

moving between my conscious and subconscious minds

they hung in the air of the psyche's realm

and drifted to the floor of my emotion

but never touched ground

until, gaining speed, they became the projectile

the case in point

because you knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt,

what would happen

do I detect a subtle amusement in your eyes?

am I just another fated victim?

you have taken it upon yourself to exterminate

those who still put faith in love

"What the fuck are you trying to do to me?!"

my interjection

I escaped the projectile

but I couldn't escape you

- March 27, 1984, A.D.